Friday, June 23, 2006

Bathing in the Kitchen Sink

I edit Kitchen Sink (I also founded Kitchen Sink with a bunch of other people back in the Mesozoic age). I am also a clean person. My house is fashionably disheveled most of the time, but I will rarely leave it without (a) showering once a day (at least), (b) washing my hair at least every other day, (c) putting on a shirt and pants (or skirt) that I have worn less than two days in a row, and (d) removing most food and coffee stains from said clothing before putting it on (also known as doing laundry). Optional but likely to happen as well are (e) wearing deodorant, (f) shaving legs and armpits (for men, the equivalent would be grooming your facial hair, not necessarily to a fussy degree, but at least to get the Pabst spills out of your beard), (g) looking in a mirror to see whether or not I will embarrass myself with what I’m wearing.

Bathing and grooming are a fact of life in Western Civilization. You can say, “well, I was just in Europe, and they take cold showers once a month, and look so cool”, and I might agree with you, but Europeans also started the Black Plague, which mostly had to do with hygiene. Likewise, we all know that French people hate washing their hands after they use the bathroom (even after doing #2; trust me on this), and this is dicey behavior when it comes to the transmission of communicable diseases. Japanese people, however, generally look even cooler than Europeans (one need only to glance at the Japanese world cup team to prove this), and they are clean. So, so clean.

I was at a Kitchen Sink-sponsored event recently, however, and I saw that many of you, our dear readership, look a little grimy of late. What’s up? I know it’s hot in the Bay area recently, and nobody likes that, as it increases sebaceous gland activity, leaving us all a little oilier than normal, but I’m curious as to the severe degree of dirtiness, bordering perhaps on repulsive, that I saw on many of you. You are, on the whole, so charming and attractive, and good at pulling off haircuts that would look ridiculous on most other people and yet… you are dirty. You look like you smell (and, alas, a few of you do). Are you depressed? Sometimes when I’m depressed I skip showers for 6 hours or so. I can recommend a good therapist, readership. I can also tell you that moderate exercise and cutting down on cheap beer consumption, as well as engaging in activities like reading and writing, can really help with depression. I’d even bake you a cookie if that would help. I depend on you to help keep my magazine going, but I’d also like us to be able to be in the same room for extended periods, and in order for that to happen, well, I’m going to need to ask you to consider showering. At least a sponge bath now and again. It really increases you chances of hooking up, and more people might be apt to approach you at shows/craft fairs/knitting circles if you didn’t have an aura of funk about your person.

Like we say in the academic world, do it for the children.


Blogger jeff t. johnson said...

the rogue reporter advanced a theory the other day: hipsters need to stop using tom's of maine. hey--i'm not trying to ruin that company or anything. i use tom's (sniffs armpit). but she probably has a point. so do you, tho i thought that people looked pretty clean and sqeeky at the pegasus event, considering that it was later in the day on a warm afternoon. i can't believe it's july.


5:45 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home